Everyone has problems. Especially during tough times like these. Some people have more problems than others. Like legitimate...REAL PROBLEMS.
Some people can be helped if allowed. While others are an abortion of a lost cause. And others, well...they make their problems, yours.
I don't want or need other people's problems. Nor do I want or need problematic people in my life. I have enough problems of my own. I often feel that I have so many problems that I am overwhelmed and cannot move. The best way for me to explain it is to borrow from the saying "frozen with fear" and replace it with "frozen with problems."
PTSD sure is a b*tch. Sometimes I think that I'm just not putting fourth enough effort into being happy and living a full life. Or I'm just being lazy, or I'm just making excuses...and that this whole thing is just all in my head. And yet...it is....isn't it?
We humans, the clever creatures that we are, by nature...are in fact, problem solvers. There are times where I spend days on end in my room, laying in my bed...just thinking. Trying to solve these problems in my head. Trying to figure out an answer or to make sense of things. I don't talk to anyone. I don't go outside. I think of nothing, and I think of anything and everything going on in the world and under its sky, and of course...I think of the problems I currently face in life. And it depresses me. I think about the past, and I am haunted by my memories. I try to make sense of the things that I have been through, the things that I've witnessed. And the only thing that makes sense is that nothing makes sense. I feel murderous rage inside for no reason...and I've yelled out in furious silence as hard as I could so that no one can hear me...and call the cops. I can't concentrate and I lose focus easily, and my anxiety is through the roof. Trust in people has diminished, as I have seen first hand what people are capable of doing to one another.
I do this for hours on end until I'm mentally drained and exhausted and I pass out. I feel so much, and do so little. I do things to keep myself numb, though I am trying to stop.
I don't talk to anyone about these things because how can they know? Even if they went through the same things as I have, how can you help someone when you yourself are in need of help. The only people that I trust are the people who I've seen tested time and time again, under pressure...when their character truly comes out. Tested time and time again would be my family, close friends, and the guys who were there with me.
If a person is honest with me...I'll know it. If a person is lying and or manipulative...I'll know it too. Knowing this, I do my best to keep a straight face and hope to find that the other person reveals some part of themselves that resembles a decent human being. I do this, because I feel that it's the only thing that keeps me human, and "normal".
It is only my hope for the future that keeps me going. My hope for my family who have suffered a great deal, yet never talk about it. They are the strongest people that I know, and when I am weak...I latch onto them mentally. And in my heart.
For my friends, I do all that I can to help them with their problems. And for it, I ask for nothing in return, except to remember me as a good friend.
For those who have helped us by serving, by putting your life on the line. By coming home and living a full happy life. And for those still going through the battles, in a foreign land and here at home...and especially for those who wth a heavy heart, left home and never came back....on a day of remembrance...I thank you. And will always remember you as a good friend.
Operation Iraqi Freedom III
Al Anbar Ar Ramadi 2004-2005
"No better friend, No worse enemy."